


Flying, Not Falling

by astudyinfic



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Read at Your Own Risk, Seriously there is nothing happy in here, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 14:54:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20047885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astudyinfic/pseuds/astudyinfic
Summary: They couldn't sever the bond between Clary and Jonathan so Jace had to make the hardest decision of his life.  His love or the world?It feels like he lost them both.





	Flying, Not Falling

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [sh_ficletinstruments](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/sh_ficletinstruments) collection. 

> This is heavy angst. If you do not like MCD, do not read. If you have any triggers involving suicide, do not read. You have been warned.
> 
> Week 3: Abstract Reverie

They tried everything to get her back but Jonathan’s control over her was too strong. There was only one way to save the world. And it meant losing everything. 

She looked beautiful in that last moment when all his influence was burned away and all that remained was the woman he loved. Clary gave him a nod, permission to finish what they’d started and then she was gone. They’d saved the world from Jonathan but at what cost?

What good was a world without Clary in it?

She had no one left to speak for her. Her mother, gone. Her father, gone. Her brother, gone. All the family she had in the world died within the last few months. And Clary along with them. So when Alec presided over the rites for those they’d lost in the final battle, it was on Jace to say her name to the assembled crowd. 

He made it through, somehow, though the ice in his heart remained firm. Jace felt nothing only the emptiness of a world without Clary, a world where he would need to live with the fact that he killed her by eliminating Jonathan. She was gone because, in the end, he chose the world over her.

Jace pushed himself to keep going when all he wanted to do was curl into bed and never get out again. He went through the motions of his work but his heart wasn’t in it. When he had one too many close calls with a demon, Alec pulled him from field duty. “You’re going to get killed, Jace. Get yourself together and then you can get back out there.”

But how could he get himself together when the only thing worth living for was gone? He had his siblings and he loved them but Alec had Magnus now and Izzy had Simon. They didn’t _ need _ him.

They didn’t need to be dragged down by him.

For three weeks, he acted as if he wasn’t dying inside. Did what he could to convince Alec and Izzy that he was alright, though the looks Alec shot him suggested he wasn’t as successful as he hoped. But it wasn’t getting better. 

Every day hurt more than the next. 

There was no life after Clary, Jace realized. But there might be Clary after life.

For the first time, he felt a small amount of hope. They could be reunited. His pain would end. It would all be okay. 

Standing on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge, the city he’d grown up in sparkling in front of him, Jace swallowed against the pain. In a minute, it would be gone. He’d left a note for Alec, for Izzy, for Maryse. He explained why this was better. They’d understand. 

With Clary’s name on his lips, Jace took the last step and for the first time since Clary died, he felt like he was flying. 

He didn’t feel the landing.


End file.
